Traditionally in college, when I wanted to get away (from my thoughts) I'd borrow someone's dog or dogs, or start baking, ride my bike, or I'd just do things by myself or with one or two of the same people. Having a conversation over a cup of coffee and horrible "cider" today with someone I haven't seen in ages reminded me of how time flies and it's so great to catch up with old friends. I haven't been purposefully trying to be anti-social, but merely, that after a summer of wandering the wilderness in a job I was so lucky to have, I needed time to further reflect on where I am going.
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| Hiking North toward Ebbetts Pass. Love this trail shot. Where am I going? Where does it go? |
After being away for work for six months, it was nice, but hard to integrate back into Mammoth. Having jobs the past four years that primarily revolved around customer service it was nice to have some solitude this season. Somedays at work this season I really wished I wasn't in the quiet. Somedays I really wished I wasn't wiped out from hiking and could go meet new biking folk in Tahoe, or go to show without feeling the need to fall asleep at 2100. The solitude was a blessing and a curse, but it is something I really appreciate having. I saw some amazingly quiet and beautiful places.
Perhaps the desire for solitude carried over into my winter. To be honest, I've been fairly content nordic skiing by myself, taking my friends' dogs out, baking bread, and checking in with Mary to see what we may do or not do with our day. It's nice to have some seasonal folk for friends. We are simply looking to use our degrees, perhaps be provided government housing, and enjoy our days off to the fullest and keep people recreating in our forest or lands. We bond over our outdoor adventures, observations on the "Forest", job-seeking uncertainty, and gear-obsession.
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| A Snowy Knoll I wished I'd skied up and down. Snowshoeing is SLOW in fresh deep pow. Great for my knee! |
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| Homemade sourdough actually taste great as french toast. Smokey Bear agrees. |
I sadly (and happily) just skied my first powder day of the year, as I was away the other few days of powder. I'm still not great at going fast, skiing bumps, or skiing steeps. I'm always the last one back at the lift line. I am so thankful for way back when, when Real Deal MB kept pushing me to ski challenging terrain even if I threatened him with my ski poles. Right now, let me tell you- I'm not pushing any boundaries. I had so much fun skiing lately despite not going as often as I could. I want to be the strongest I can and improve and stop skiing timidly because of my knee.
Despite my 'shoulda-couldas', all I really want is to shake this unsettling, and difficult "what's next" feeling. Once I do that I think everything else will feel more natural and more purposeful. I wouldn't take back moving here for anything, but I need to define where my life is. That has been the biggest personal obstacle I've felt since this summer. I remember RDMB also saying to me once, "all you do is apply for jobs". Some things never change.
(If you even have read this far, then you must be my mom or a really close friend).
Upon all this reflecting on "what's next", I have realized a simple concept- direction in life is what you make it. You are either content with what you are doing and where you are or you are not. So much seems to be riding on a long seven to eight days from now until I hear about the only other Grad program (It takes a lot to apply to schools) I applied to. Then I'll have an idea about my summer and fall.
Until then, I'll continue with my distractions, (it's Biathlon time in Mammoth and volunteering with the adaptive program!) I can't guarantee I'll be more social, but I will try.
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